


Full of Hope, Full of Pain

by IWillFindThePiecesOneByOne



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: After Derdriu, Blue Lions Route, But it didn't follow the song oops, I just thought a song fit them well, It's not really but they've talked about it, Kind of fluffy, M/M, Promises, Still can't write beginnings or endings, This didn't go at all how I planned on it to go, i wrote this at 2am, i'm very tired, kind of established relationship?, kind of sad, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2020-11-23 08:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20889263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IWillFindThePiecesOneByOne/pseuds/IWillFindThePiecesOneByOne
Summary: After the battle at Derdriu, Dimitri and Claude remember promises they made years ago, and lament that it's still too soon for them to be fulfilled. Title is from "Close To The Sun" by TheFatRat, fic was meant to be based on it but it went in its own direction oops.





	Full of Hope, Full of Pain

“You haven’t left yet either.”

At hearing Claude’s voice, Dimitri came to an abrupt stop. He turned to look at the other man.

“Is that surprising to you?”

Claude was sitting at the edge of the pier, turned so that he could look back at Dimitri. He seemed pensive for a moment before shrugging. “I had a feeling you might want to be out of here as soon as possible. Places to be, emperors to confront, things like that?”

Dimitri crossed his arms. “Are you in that much of a hurry to be rid of me, Claude?”

Claude looked panicked for a moment, before noticing the teasing smile one Dimitri’s face and laughing. “I’m really, really not.” His grin fell, and he turned back toward the ocean ahead of him, his voice suddenly seeming so much smaller. “You know that, right?”

Dimitri walked closer to him, letting his arms fall to his side. For a long moment, the only thing saving them from silence was the sound of the waves against wood and stone, and the gulls high above. He tried to look across the ocean, to see whatever Claude was focused on, but his eyes met nothing except the horizon.

“Dimitri…” Claude’s voice sounded so pained. It took everything in Dimitri not to pull him close right then, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to let go. “Did you really forget?”

He knew what Claude meant, of course. Years ago, before everything had gone wrong. After they’d known each other a few moons, but long enough before the fall of the monastery that they’d felt it might mean something. Back then, hidden in Dimitri’s room, with only a candle to see each other, they’d confessed their feelings to each other. It had been so innocent and harmless back then. Dimitri had awkwardly mentioned that he had something to take care of first, though. Claude had seemed relieved, and admitted that it was the same for him, and said that he would look forward to them meeting again once they’d reached their goals.

“I did,” Dimitri admitted. “Before, I did. But I promise I remember now, Claude.” His hand twitched. He wanted to rest it on Claude’s shoulder, but he felt as though there was too much space between them now. He’d never be able to bridge it all.

He heard Claude sigh, almost missing it in the breeze. “I’m glad,” Claude confided. “Back there, at Gronder…” He trailed off, and Dimitri believed he would be unable to complete the thought. He began to say something to ease Claude’s discomfort, but the ex-leader of the Alliance pushed through. “At Gronder, I thought that was going to be it. That I’d never see you again.”

The words stung, but Dimitri knew that Claude had good reason. “I understand,” he agreed. “If I’m being honest… I truly did not believe that a day would come where I would be able to speak with you like this again. I missed this.” 

He felt Claude flinch, and wondered if he shouldn’t have said that. “This isn’t right, Dima.”

Dimitri felt something at the nickname. “None of this should be called right, Claude. You’ll have to be more specific.”

“I don’t want to leave you.”

Claude’s words hung in the space between them. Dimitri couldn’t comprehend them.

“I’m sorry?”

“I don’t want to leave you,” Claude repeated. “Not now. Not when we’re finally able to talk like this again. What if… It hurts, Dima. But I have things that I need to do, I can’t stay. I wish I could, more than anything. But I can’t.”

Claude’s shoulders were beginning to tremble, and Dimitri felt the ache in his heart grow with every second he left the void between him. “You can’t,” he agreed. “But it won’t be forever. I swear to you, I will not let myself be overcome again. I am not alone anymore, and neither are you. The professor will be at my side, and you know they won’t leave again. And we have our friends, as well as letters and messengers. We will stay in contact, Claude, and when the time comes, we will meet again.”

Dimitri saw Claude swallow, and turn to him again. The fire was back in his eyes again, though his face was still more open than usual. Dimitri found himself hoping that few would see Claude so vulnerable, and wondered where the thought had come from. Claude gave him a small smile.

“When we meet again, I’m expecting you to tell me all about your time as king,” Claude teased. “Especially any amusing blunders you might make.”

Dimitri sighed. “You know you’ll hear plenty of those whether I’m the one describing them or not.”

“I do, but I’d rather hear them from you,” Claude winked at him. “More time I get to hear your voice and see your face and all.”

Dimitri’s face grew hot, and he wondered if he’d ever outgrow that trait. “I have to say I’d appreciate the same from you.”

Claude watched him a few seconds more, looking thoroughly pleased, before turning to the ocean once more. The gap between them felt smaller now.

“What are you looking at?” Dimitri asked him after a few minutes of silence.

Claude scratched his head, thinking. “Not really anything,” he answered. Dimitri was about to argue that he clearly was looking at something before Claude continued. “There’s something out there but you can’t see it. I can’t really talk about it right now, but I’ll tell you all about it, next time.”

“Next time,” Dimitri echoed. “I will hold you to that.”

“Oh, I know you will.” Claude leaned back on his hands. “I think someday I’ll even show it to you.”

Dimitri didn’t know what to say to that, having no idea what Claude meant, so he said nothing. They waited in silence for a bit longer. Dimitri didn’t know if this meant their conversation was over, but he hoped they still had some time together. He no longer felt as though he and Claude existed in separate planes, but they were still too far apart for his liking.

“What are you doing out here, anyway?” Claude’s voice broke through his thoughts easily, as it always seemed to do. Dimitri wondered if he was always so eager to hear what the other man had to say. “Shouldn’t you be celebrating your victory or preparing to head out around now?”

Dimitri shook his head, then remembered Claude wasn’t looking at him. “No,” he answered. “Er, I suppose I should be with the others, but my thoughts became too cluttered and I came out here to clear my head.”

Claude nodded. “This is a good spot for that,” he agreed. “I’ve done the same more times than I can count. Mind if I ask what’s on your mind?” He patted the ground beside him, motioning for Dimitri to sit.

Dimitri lowered himself slowly, noticing he’d become a little stiff from standing still. “There isn’t much to share,” he began. “I was mostly thinking about you.”

He heard Claude begin to laugh, and looked at him with a pretend glare. Claude noticed and laughed harder for a moment before calming down. “Sorry, I’m just so flattered! So much to worry about and I’m still in your head?”

Dimitri gave him a wry grin. “Do not worry, Claude, you’re not the only thing in my head.”

Claude let out a noise that Dimitri assumed was meant to be a laugh, but sounded more like a choke. “Oh, I’m very worried. I guess I’ll have to get used to this sort of humor though?”

Dimitri chuckled. “You know me so well.” 

“You know,” Claude started. “Somehow, things almost feel the same, even though they’re so different. I mean, of course everything changed, but you and me, we’re still us?” Claude gestured vaguely towards the setting sun ahead of them. “Something about that makes me feel better. Nothing is the same anymore, but you’re still you and I still feel the same as I did.”

Dimitri felt his breath catch, and tried to hide it. “I feel similarly,” he agreed. “This may be the closest I’ve come to feeling like ‘the old days’ back at the monastery. Sitting here, talking to you like this… Something feels lighter. Being by your side makes living in this moment feel so much simpler, and I am so grateful for your presence.”

He wasn’t expecting Claude’s cheeks to color this time, but he did make sure to remember every detail of the sight. “Do you say things like that on purpose or am I really just destined to have you strike me through the heart when I least expect it?” He pressed a hand against his chest for emphasis.

Dimitri’s eyes grew wide. “Claude? Have I hurt you? I swear I meant no harm.”

Claude shook his head. “I’m fine, Dima,” he clarified. “It was a figure of speech.”

Dimitri relaxed once he was sure Claude was alright. “I see. I apologize for the misunderstanding.”

Claude shrugged. “It’s not your fault! Just takes some getting used to. And I’m used to you. Like I said, you didn’t really changed, not where it counts.”

“Hearing you say that means more than I could express to you.” Dimitri fought back a yawn. He wondered when he’d become so tired. Maybe he just felt so comfortable in Claude’s presence. “Even though there were times when my memories of you had left me, they never did change completely. That we are able to have a little of those memories even now is an incredible relief to me.”

“I really feel the same,” Claude agreed, looking straight at him. “Things don’t have to change or fade between us, we can just come back. We will come back.”

“We will,” Dimitri agreed.

“By the way,” Claude started. “When I’m gone, you won’t give up, will you?”

“Excuse me?” Dimitri didn’t know how to feel about that, but he certainly didn’t feel flattered. “Why would I give up?”

Claude shook his head. “No, sorry, I phrased that wrong. I meant, don’t give up on us. On your dreams, and on yourself. After you defeat Adrestia... Defeat Edelgard… Promise me you’ll keep pushing forward and taking care of yourself. Keep focusing on the future, don’t dwell on the past?”

Dimitri stared at him, shocked by the intensity of Claude’s request. “If you insist… But of course I’d take care of myself? I’m the king of Faerghus, I cannot just let myself fall.”

“I just want to make sure,” Claude explained, his expression unreadable. “I know you, Dimitri. I just want to make sure.”

“Well, you’ve made sure. But what about you?” Dimitri frowned. “What will happen to you? Will you be safe?”

Claude gazed across the sea, almost directly into the sun. Dimitri decided that Claude and the sun weren’t so different, bringing light and life into the world. 

“I’ll be there,” Claude answered vaguely. Dimitri thought it seemed as though he were talking about the sun itself. “I can’t tell you more now. But I’ll be right there. And I’ll be back.”

Dimitri nodded. “I suppose I won’t get much more of an answer out of you now?”

“You know me,” Claude laughed. “I’ll let you know when the time is right.”

“Just make sure you stay alive,” Dimitri insisted. “I’ve seen too many fall already. People who believed they’d change the world, people I will never forget. I never want to hear your voice among the dead, Claude.”

Claude let out a shuddering breath. “That’s a really dark place to take this, Dima,” he joked.

“It is important to me, Claude. Please promise me that you will survive this.”

“I will. Of course I will. Nothing is going to stop me from getting back.”

Dimitri could see it in Claude’s eyes. He meant that completely.

“Thank you, Claude. I believe you.” They were so close. He wanted to hold Claude so badly.

The sun had finally set, and a chill was beginning to set in. The gulls had quieted, leaving only the crashing waves. The moon was lighting the city.

They sat in comfortable silence a while longer. Dimitri closed his eyes, listening to the water and enjoying Claude’s company. He prayed it would never have to end, but he knew they were nearly out of time. He felt his head droop, and his eyes shot open as he realized he’d nearly fallen asleep right there. He heard a snort, and saw Claude watching him. 

“Not that you aren’t always beautiful,” he teased. “But I didn’t think you’d be trying to play the role of sleeping beauty tonight.”

“I apologize for that,” Dimitri responded. “That was very rude and not usual for me. I believe being around you has me feeling much more at ease than usual.”

Claude’s easy smile faltered slightly, and he glanced away. “There you go, saying things with so much more power than you know.”

Dimitri felt something warm on his hand, and he looked down to see Claude had taken hold of it. His eyes widened, and he knew Claude must have heard the way his breath had hitched.

“Are you really thrown off by me holding your hand?” Claude asked, too surprised to taunt. His grip started to loosen, as though he would pull away, and Dimitri instinctively gripped his hand tighter, adjusting a moment later to be sure he wouldn’t hurt him. 

“It’s fine,” Dimitri insisted quickly. “I just was not expecting it.”

Claude’s hand was so warm, this little contact felt like so much of what he had wanted for the past 5 years. Dimitri was almost afraid he wouldn’t be able to let go when the time came. Claude was watching him, and he looked strangely sad, but said nothing. Dimitri wondered if he looked as much a wreck as he felt right now.

“I apologize,” Dimitri said once again. “I did not mean to overreact like this. Your hand is just… So warm.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Claude insisted. “I should’ve expected it, honestly. You probably haven’t had much physical contact with anyone, huh?”

Dimitri tried to remember, and realized he’d pushed away anyone who’d tried. Even since coming to his senses, he’d just been uncomfortable with it. Why was Claude different? “I… suppose not,” he admitted.

He felt Claude squeeze his hand in response. “We’ll make up for it, Dima. I promise.”

“It’s not really an issue,” Dimitri protested.

“No, it is. We will make up for it, as long as you’re okay with it. When we meet again.”

Dimitri was fairly positive his heart was not supposed to beat this quickly. “Alright. When we meet again, then.”

Claude shifted closer, until he was able to lean against Dimitri. He rested his head on Dimitri’s shoulder. Dimitri froze up, unsure how he should respond.

“You can relax,” Claude laughed, rubbing his thumb against Dimitri’s hand. “I just want to spend a little more time together.”

Dimitri made himself calm down, until he was able to lean back against Claude as well, sighing with relief. Claude’s brushes against his hand were doing strange things to his heart, but he found he didn’t mind it. They sat together, listening to the waves and watching the moon rise higher into the sky. Soon, Dimitri found himself nearly about to fall asleep once again, and knew they had to say goodbye. 

“Claude,” he started, unsure if the other was awake.

Claude sighed, sounding disappointed. “Dima,” he answered. “I sorta hoped you’d fallen asleep.”

“You know I can’t stay here,” Dimitri stated. “The others will wonder where I am, they probably are already. I need to go back and prepare to invade the Adrestian Empire.”

Claude squeezed his hand again. “I really wish I didn’t have to let you go. I wish I could go with you, or bring you with me.”

Dimitri knew that feeling. He knew it too well. “I feel the same, but you and I both know we don’t have those options, Claude. It’s best that we say goodbye sooner, so that we can see each other again sooner as well.”

Claude frowned and seemed thoughtful for a moment, but he nodded and let go of Dimitri’s hand. Dimitri stood up, then offered a hand to help Claude up.

“I guess this is it then,” Claude lamented, taking Dimitri’s hand.

“It seems so,” Dimitri answered, wanting to just keep watching Claude and to always be closer.

“I’m going to miss you so much, Dima,” Claude said. Dimitri could have sworn it almost sounded like a whine. The look on Claude’s face hurt his heart so much.

“I will miss you as well, Claude. I will focus on the day when we meet again as much as I can.”

For a moment, Dimitri thought that would be all, but Claude suddenly surged forward and embraced him, burying his face in Dimitri’s shoulder.

“Dima, I know I said this already, but I really need you to be alright, okay?”

Dimitri paused, then raised his arms to return the embrace.

“I swear that I will, as long as you do the same.”

“I will, Dimitri, I will. We will meet again.”

They stayed there for another few minutes, before finally forcing themselves to pull apart. Dimitri reached up to wipe a tear from Claude’s face, and Claude smiled at him.

“You know, you still are beautiful under the moonlight like this,” he said. Dimitri wasn’t sure about that, but he wasn’t going to argue now. “I’m going to look forward to seeing it again someday.”

“And I’m going to focus on seeing your eyes sparkle in the sun once more,” Dimitri answered. “Until I see it in person, I will at least have the memory.”

“I guess… I guess this is goodbye?” Claude asked quietly.

“It is,” Dimitri agreed. “But only for now.

Claude nodded. “Then I’ll see you later.”

Dimitri smiled sadly. “I will see you later as well.”

* * *

Years later, Claude arrived with the sun, and they stayed together long after the moon took its place.


End file.
